I can’t decide which is worse, learning that you were gone or seeing you in a casket. I am not sure how I expected to feel, though I must admit, I tried to control my emotions as if I could. Be stoic I said, look proud, stay strong. Of course when the time came my body felt like jelly and I couldn’t help but give into the sadness.
As I walked into viewing room, I attempted to focus on the white, on white, on white walls and sleek marble floors. I held mom, though I believe it was me who needed to be held. No sooner did my feet cross the threshold between the lobby and where you were lain, did my chest sink. My chest sunk under the thought that I had lost you and I must face it now. And so I faced you. I faced you in your gray and white suit with skin as cold as ice, eyes closed and mouth in some version of a smile. I faced you as I felt the stubble on your newly shaven head then once again on the lapel of your suit where I helped mom pin a cross. Later I faced you in my thoughts as I sat gazing at your body listening to family members speak. I faced you until I could face you no more and I (we) left.
Dad, it’s been a week and I miss you like crazy. Serious kid, how will I ever adjust to your absence? I wonder if I will always think about you especially in those in-between moments, like eating dinner with mom (and Alex) and suddenly realizing that you are not at the table and feeling full. Yes I am convinced even on my happiest day, you will come to mind.
It’s crazy but I’ve been thinking of all the things I wish I had the chance to say like I love you, don’t get a tux Alex picked a suit, what’s your recipe for gumbo, seriously, and most importantly, I love you.
Daddy…I’m not sure if I’m ready for tomorrow but Friday is coming faster than I’d like and I’m powerless to stop it. What can I do?
You’ll always be my big daddy and I’ll always be your baby girl. I’ll keep that in mind. It’s a good thought especially for tomorrow.
PS: Are you okay? 🙂 🙂 I’m itching for a Back to the Future Marathon.