Daddy’s Gone

10372338_889583341482_6805681452762775991_n“Baby, I had a bad dream.” That’s what I’d say if I’d woken up and this was a dream, if this wasn’t reality and I hadn’t gotten a phone call at 6 AM from my mom telling me that my dad had died. Alex would probably say “Yeah? Tell me about it,” and I would recant every detail, how real it felt, and how glad I am to be awake. Then I’d call my dad and tell him what happened. No, I’d text him. He’d laugh and say “You miss me huh?” But I am awake and the phone call was real and this reality is pushing on the grey matter of my brain like a festering disease eating me alive. I can’t recall ever feeling so numb or so alive or feeling as though I understand nothing about how the world works. There is a dead space lingering within me. Was he scared, did he know, did he wish he could tell my mom he loved her one last time? What was the last thing he saw before slipping to that void between here and there? And more importantly, why G-d, why?My daddy and me.

Lying in bed, I can only think about my dad a year from now and erase him from all the excited daydreams I had about my wedding. I take out the part where he gives me away, kisses my forehead (or some part of my head), smiles and cries a little. I erase the part where, for the father daughter dance, I tell the DJ to hit it and “The Power of Love,” by Huey Lewis and The News come blasting through the speakers and we jam.  The perfect song for us, birth from hours of quoting our favorite movie, Back To The Future. And G-d how I wish I knew what words of wisdom he would have said when it was his turn to give Alex and I our toast.  Then almost suddenly, I try to not to think about the grandkids he’ll never see, or the things he’ll never know, like how I just booked a Betty Crocker print ad, and just this week I had job interviews with Nick, NBC and Sony and did I mention I got into graduate school? Yeah, I’ve been waiting to tell you.  I try not to think about it because breathing in what could have been is just as painful as trying to erase.

My dad was one of the few people who supported Rhonda The Actress, he never doubted my ability to succeed or told me I should reconsider my career choice. He backed my decision to enter production. Seriously, when I got my first job at Warner Brothers, my dad texted me “WB here we come!” “What do you mean we,” I said? It makes sense now, I wouldn’t be here (literally) if it weren’t for him. 406081_633577888462_1194288852_n

We had a lot of fights my dad and me. We would go head to head, sometimes over big things, sometimes over little things and I wouldn’t be so foolish to say that it didn’t matter, because at the time it did and I would give anything to go head to head with him again. My dad is gone and it doesn’t feel real. Then again, is it supposed to? I woke up this morning at 6 AM, I woke up to a death and I wish, for once in my life, I wish, that I could go back sleep, wake up again and know that what is staring me in the face was just a nightmare and all is well.  Oh how I wish and wish and wish… Yes, I wish.


6 thoughts on “Daddy’s Gone

  1. Pingback: Daddy’s Gone | Qartuli Itsi?

  2. My sincerest condolences, I lost my dad three years ago, it still seems unreal at times. Give yourself time to grieve and when you are down remember he believed in you.

  3. We love you Rhonda. He’s with God now and all our family that has gone home before him. No matter what, he will always be watching over you as your biggest supporter!!! See you soon love.
    Cousin Kim

  4. There is nothing harder than losing a parent too soon, I know. My mom walked me down the aisle last year. Just stay positive. Be so thankful for all the memories you do have and let go the ones you won’t.

  5. There are lots of memories running through my head right now…too many to even recant…..But the ones I can see so clearly is how much he loved your mom, you and your sister. You all were the most important things in his life and he lived everyday that way. I know we live miles apart…but I want you to know he is missed by me. I am thankful for all of the memories. Keeping you in my prayers.

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