I’ve been on a career kick these past few months as I attempt to unleash Rhonda the Career Woman, patent pending. To recap, I’ve talked about the many things that have stood in my way. Myself being the first, disinterest being the second and fear being the third. In an effort to make a positive step I’m asking myself what would I do if I weren’t afraid? To face the question and speak the answer into existence however feels… wrong.
I dream big, I reach for the moon, and I have never wanted an ordinary life. If I am to live, truly live, I want it to be as someone who isn’t afraid of her own potential although in many ways I am. There is so much fear, mostly of failure. I second-guess myself and at times I don’t believe in the assumed impossible.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. (Marianne Williamson)
So…what would I do if fear weren’t an option, if the world were at my feet and willing to do my bidding? Well… the answer is not act (not entirely at least). Cue shock and surprise. Before I recognized I was an actor, I wrote… a lot. I always had a journal; in fact I use two of them today. Writing is an essential part of my life, as is storytelling. To date, I have written two screenplays and have pitched them to several producers. You may or may not be surprised to know I have received some interest in my work. You may also be surprised (or not) to discover that I have yet to send anything to anyone. I’m afraid my work isn’t good enough. I’m afraid of the rejection and it’s easier to keep my ideas as just that, an idea.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
Writing is an important part of who I am, I can’t imagine my life without it. There is something to taking what’s in my head, putting it onto paper, and seeing it portrayed. It’s an experience I’ve only had once or twice in my life. More important than seeing my work is seeing the work of others. That is, reading scripts and working with an author to make a more comprehensive story. As I’ve matured I learned that a producer could do all these things (bingo). For example Mindy Kaling (my girl crush and idol) was a staff writer, producer, and actor on The Office and now The Mindy Project. This is what I imagine (and hope) my life will be like. When I think of Rhonda’s Production Company (name pending) well lets just call it Rhonda’s Company because my thoughts on the matter are fluid…I clam up. For some reason I can’t grasp the severity of what it would take to actually do it or what it would mean to achieve that level of success. In fact, I’m not sure where to begin which.
Little Life Lessons
- If it were easier, more people would do it.
- The most impossible tasks begins with one step
- What’s really standing in your way? Is it that you really can’t do it or that you won’t try?
I applied to UCLA and USC because I wanted to learn how to be an independent producer. I wanted to learn how to be “Mindy Kaling” and write and produce either my work or the work of others. When I was rejected, I understood it as part of having a dream. I have to try first, and second, accept the outcome. I cannot let it deter me from my path. A door was shut and perhaps it needed to be in order for me to find a better one.
It’s been several months since I received a no from both schools. I have since gone back to UCLA’s website only to discover their certificate programs. There is a certificate program for producing that is one third the price of the masters degree. As I furthered down this rabbit hole I found several screenwriting workshops… already I feel one step closer to my goals.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
In a short while my fiancé and I are moving to California and I am determined to make more strategic steps. That means choosing things that will help me get closer to my ultimate goal. I started this post by asking what would I do if I weren’t afraid. I guess the simplest answer is I wouldn’t be afraid. I would free myself to jump all in without fear and as best I know how that’s what I’m going to do.
As we are liberated from our own fear, Our presence automatically liberates others.